I. In the beginning was the word and the word was was, and the word was with was and nothing that was made was not was and was was not within nor without the word. Because of the inherent confusion in this early system the word was changed to word. Now that the word was word and not was the word wasn't was but word. Thomas Aquinas sat in a monastery for 30 years working this out, the twat. The word was made flesh - a lamb probably - and was cooked in a stew with potatoes and carrots.
The evening and the morning were the first day.

II. Then on the second day god said "Let there be light!" but there wasn't light because the bulb had blown. "How many gods does it take to change a lightbulb?" enquired the curious, and god answered "One. I hold it and the universe revolveth around me". The curious here groaneth as a host in unison. "Boom boom" sayeth the lord "eh? eh?". "Jesus" sayeth the curious. And the evening and the morning were the second day.

III. When god had become tired of just having one light to turn on and off, even though yea it worketh well, he created all the living beasts that flyeth in the sky, crawleth upon the ground, and under the ground and swimmeth in the sea. First off he made the cockroaches, then the fleas and mosquitos, then vultures and sharks and those spindly fish that swim up your john thomas when you’re having a piss in the amazon. Then he made some small beasts which can give you typhoid, ebola, aids, cholera, diptheria, necrotising fasciitis, toxicoplasmosis, tuberculosis, smallpox, legionnaire's disease, Lyme's disease, leprosy, chicken pox, cow pox, measles, mumps, polio, osteoporosis, chlamydia, syphilis, and a great host of others.

IV. God saw that it was not very good.

V. The evening and the morning god had tea and toast, sat back and thought about it, then employed a nice man called Mr Darwin to invent evolution, and after that everything started to run more smoothly.

VI. On the sixth day Adam evolved, and god sayeth unto him "Adam, I can make a partner for you who will cook, wash and iron for you, laugh at all your jokes and never grizzle when ye cometh back from the pub late. But it will cost you an arm and a leg"

VII. Adam sayeth "hmm, what will you give me for a rib?"

VIII. Eve was not a bad looking bird, but pissed adam off a bit by performing late nights in a cabaret with an apple and a snake. Everyone else was well impressed.

IX. When god saw that eve was naked he got the excitement and sent Adam to live in the land of nod, east of Eden. Then he had an on/off affair with the damn bitch that went on for a couple of years and cane and able were born and the one smote the other for having hairy arms or something, I think, anyway the mark of cane was put upon him and he went forth to found a nation which might, or might not have been Assyria. Or Belgium. He begat Jacob who had some kind of brightly coloured jacket which inspired that CUNT Andrew Lloyd Fucking Webber to write the most SHITE music EVER in HISTORY up a ladder, & then sacrificed Israel upon a slaughtered lamb. God said "You are now the father of the jews".

X. ‘My life, already’ sayeth he.

XI. He begat Moses who went off to to Egypt and leadeth the Jews across a parting in the sea where pharoah chased him to a land of honey, tea, milk & sugar. If he had turned right instead of left he would have got the oilfields. "Bugger" sayeth he. He begat Himie who opened a jewellers in Golders Green.
And the evening and the morning were the last day and god put his feet up.