In the beginning...

...the Earth was without form, and void. And the spirit of nobody at all moved silently upon the face of the deep.
Nobody said "Let there be Light", and indeed, absolutely nothing happened. And lo! When some stuff did happen, nobody was watching.

A bit later still, a virgin (if you believe there were virgins in 1st century Palestine) went out for a few vodka and red bulls with Joe Finkelstein, a chippy from the West Bank. Needless to say, all sorts of unpleasantness came to pass in the trouser department, and the silly cow got herself pregnant. Now the really good bit is that she managed to persuade everyone (even her mother) that it had been done by God! and the suckers believed her!
"You should have seen the size of his tool!" she said "Oy veh! And it GLOWED in the DARK". So a miracle had come to pass, and to this day millions around the world think they are being looked after by a TOTALLY FICTITIOUS CHARACTER. Brilliant. Anyway, we shall recite the creed:


Holy holy holy, praise thee O Lord for thou existeth not
And see-eth not that which we do, nor that which we doeth not
Nor yet that which we would like to do to female tennis players
But haveth not the good fortune.
Thou hearest not O Lord
And tastest not, nor smellest with Thy nose
For Thy nose existeth not.
Thou art a big fat zero and are not there at all.
Amen

Welcome brother, welcome sister, into the bosom of the episcopalian silent church of nothing at all, with a congregation of none and no ordained priesthood. Although the church is a non profit organisation, and no-one can put a price on salvation, if you can dig deep into your pockets (for the love of nobody at all) I guarantee that $2000 (or equivalent in Euros or Sterling - please consult this link for today's exchange rate) will get you into the big nothing in the sky, where absolutely SOD ALL is GUARANTEED to happen. Make your donation TODAY by paypal or credit card here, (and remember, for the LORD to really appreciate your gift, it's gotta hurt).

In the still of the night in contemplation of nothing at all, this prophet was visited by the holy spirit!. He was about 6 inches high and sort of greenish purple. He rushed about the room a bit and sat then sat down on a tiny mock-Georgian tea chair that he had brought with him. He lit a cigarette, off the top of his head, which was a sort of little flame, then took a long swig from a bottle of Jack Daniels. Although the bottle was a minature, it was still half as big as the holy spirit himself. After composing himself and clearing his throat he bade me get a biro and some paper. And lo, the scriptures were revealed unto me.

Here are the scriptures