I . HEAR O ISRAEL, except the occupied territories and putative Palestinian state in the West Bank and Gaza, dont want to aggravate the tensions any more with tactless, undiplomatic proclamations appearing to favour the zionists, sayeth the LORD. HEAR YE all men, that law which He layeth down for ye, that ye might follow Him that art not, into the middle of nowhere, for to do NOTHING AT ALL and keep bond with His holey word. For the time is close at hand when His mighty judgment shall come to pass, yea, no it won’t.
II. Okay okay sayeth the prophet....the second part of the law is coming right up, honest.... Here the prophet cougheth politely for he hath forgotten what he was going to say. Oh yes, that was it, ok here it comes. the second part of the law coming right up...
III The second part of the law was written into tablets. Not aspirins, sort of stone tablets what the LORD chiselled himself, with His mighty chisel. I mean what a feat - after creating the unimaginable nuclear fury in the hearts of a billion billion suns, he decides to impress some bronze age desert tribe with a cheap conjuring trick that you can see Penn & Teller do all over Youtube... it maketh you weep doth it not?
IV. Whatever, pay ye heed, for TEN COMMANDMENTS were given unto Man, that Jew and Gentile alike should keep a covenant with the LORD, yeah though he existeth probably not. And these Ten are thus.
Thou shalt have No God.
Thou shalt have no other God, either.
Thou shalt sit down sometimes and stand up at others.
Do not bear false witness, unless you need to tell a lie to get off work - that sort of thing.
Keep-ye Monday mornings for rest. Go not unto work but pretend thou hast a nasty bug.
Don't say 'fuck' or 'shit' when thou art in thy grandma's presence, lest ye get not five pounds when ye leaveth.
Honour thy father, if thou knowest who he is.
Thou shalt not steal my fucking bike from outside the Cambridge Arms last Thursday you fucking scabby bastard.
Thou shalt not kill, unless thou art a murderer.
Thou shalt covet thy neighbour's wife if she art fit. If she art also willing, don't hesitate.
V. Unto these TEN COMMANDMENTS shall none be added nor taken away, unless YOU have some other ones to add. Simply add your commandment HERE and the LORD GOD (who existeth not) shall revise His holy order post hoc in order to accomodate what thou thinkest could be a good commandment! Cool religion eh? Wonder how the Torah might have looked with online feedback...
VI. As long as ye keepest these covenants and believest NOT in ME, blessed shalt ye be, and many shall be your mates, and beautiful shall be your sexual partners, and silky-furred will be thy pets. Unless they’re hamsters called ‘Raggot’ and you go shoving them up your arses. Thats just plain daft.
<<THE LAW - PART I RONALD >> 
